Divorce brings out all of our emotions, often at unknown times and intensities. While the biggest feeling is generally sadness there can be a lot of anger especially if there was betrayal involved. Often times anger is a defense mechanism because it allows us to focus our energy outward and on to something or someone other than ourselves and our ego is trying to protect the ourselves from inward pain. It is natural to feel angry during a divorce, because your feelings are hurt and the dream that was created in our hearts is now gone forever. We tend to look for answers as to what caused the loss and because our dream was tied to our partner, that is no longer there, it is easy to assume that it is the other person's fault. Blaming the other person for the failure is natural, and the other person is probably blaming us as well. Blame and anger are parts of how we cope with trauma and stress. We blame ourselves too and often we switch between blaming them, blaming ourselves, being angry at them or their friends, family or new love interest and ourselves while we look for answers as to why the dream is gone. As we search for answers we often create a narrative in our minds about what happened and that story may change over time, but it becomes our story. We tell it over and over again to our friends, family, loved ones and to ourselves. It is the story that makes the most sense to us based on our understanding of the events that have occurred and it fits nicely in with our current actions, reactions, feelings and emotions. Our story often justifies our anger, but it can also create a space for our anger to stay with us forever. Our anger can influence our words and actions moving forward and not in a good or healthy way. Our anger can prevent us from moving on as well. If our emotions are focused on the dislike of another person, we are not able to be fully present with others and with ourselves. If our energy and emotions are focused on anger, we are not able to fully love again. It also influences our relationship with our children. Kids know when their parents dislike or are angry at each other. It makes them feel uncomfortable, stressed and often puts them at odds with their desire to be close to them. This does not mean that we should avoid conflict or not show our emotions to our children, we certainly should, but we should do so in a way that puts the needs of the children first. We all deserve one or two healthy, loving, secure, mature parents, but that's not always what we get. Often when children become adults they become closer with the parent that displayed less anger towards the other parent, or if both parents are angry, they choose to interact less with both. It's okay to feel angry during during divorce, as long as we don't allow it to control our actions or words. As long as our anger does not influence us to say or do hurtful things that we will regret later. Our anger can hurt others and it can also hurt us even more.
christopherptester
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