Feelings of Failure in Divorce

Whether you were the one who wanted a divorce or not, there is often a lot of guilt on both sides. Guilt for ending the relationship, guilt for being “let go”, guilt for not being aware that things were not working for the other person, guilt for not speaking up or ending things sooner, guilt for being taken advantage of, etc. Society puts a lot of pressure on us to find that special someone, fall in love, create a home, be successful and happy, but we often don't have the skills needed to prepare us for a lifetime of togetherness. Times have changed from back when our grandparents fell in love with their high school or college sweetheart, got hitched and stayed together until the end. We have societal pressure and an internal desire to be happily married, and when that doesn't work for us, we often feel a huge sense of failure. Often times couples stay in a bad relationship to avoid conflict, or to avoid being the partner that initiates the breakup. We don't want to break up our family, sell our house and admit failure. No matter the circumstances, the reality is that most marriages will end in divorce. Divorce does not equal failure, despite what society might project on to us. Many of the couples that stay together are not truly happy, or they feel that they have sacrificed their happiness to make their marriage “work”. Others are technically married, but have very little interest or desire for one another. “Going through the motions” is not a rewarding way to spend your life. The sadness of divorce is not necessarily the loss of the relationship or the other person, it's the loss of a dream. The dream that we create in our hearts about the past and the future that we envisioned for ourselves. The loss of the happy memories and the plans that we made for our future with the other person is gone forever. That loss is painful, traumatic and is one of the worst things that a person can experience. There is no timeline for healing from trauma and there is no right or correct way to “get over it”. Healing is a slow process and avoiding all of the steps of healing only prolongs the pain and suffering. Pushing it down inside will only mask it temporarily, until it pops up again in the future. Talking to a friend, family member, therapist or support group is the first step. Divorce does not equal failure. Divorce is an opportunity to learn, grow, change, be successful and create the life that you deserve, even if it does not seem that way right now.