Forgiveness and Divorce

It is normal and natural to have feelings of sadness, anger and resentment during and after divorce. Often times our feelings are a defense mechanism, a way for our mind and ego to deflect and protect ourselves from pain, guilt, shame and loneliness. It can be difficult to let those feelings go and to reflect realistically upon what has happened during and after our relationship has ended. The relationship that we once had with our partner is not gone completely, but it has changed, often times in a way that we did not want it to, and often in a way that is new, painful, difficult and confusing. It will take time to adjust to the new version of our life and future. There are many factors that will determine how and when we are able to adjust, accept and move on from divorce. Some people seem to move on rather quickly, and it is frustrating to see others seemingly not effected by divorce. Others seem to never fully recover from it and carry sadness, pain, regret, anger and loneliness with them forever. There is no single way to recover and there is no time limit on “moving on” after divorce. One thing that is helpful in moving forward is to take time to reflect on what our role was in the breakup. Acknowledging, accepting and understanding our role will allow us to maintain control our own narrative, our own thoughts and eventually our own feelings. Even if we were taken advantage of, lied to, betrayed, hurt, neglected, ignored and treated poorly, we still played a part in what happened during our relationship. We did not cause these things to happen and we did not deserve to be treated this way, but we allowed it to happen, or we allowed it to continue to happen to us. Often we feel stupid, weak, naive and negative towards ourselves for allowing this to happen, but we are not solely to blame. We are not responsible for the way that others choose to treat us, but we are responsible for how we act, react and choose to behave moving forward. There are manipulative, secretive, selfish, controlling, mean people in this world and we may seem to be that way to some other people as well. It can be easy for us to see the other person as bad, and they may have done bad things, they may continue to do bad things and make your life difficult, especially if you share custody of your child(ren). Moving forward in life begins with forgiving yourself. We all make mistakes and we all find ourselves in situations where we are confronted with changes that we did not want or deserve. We are all manipulated and taken advantage of by others and we all find ourselves in relationships with people who turned out to be different than we expected, or believed them to be. It is normal to fall in love with, believe in and trust someone who we later discover is not who we thought that they were. We often project our own version of who other people are onto them, and they often cannot live up to who they, or we thought that they really were. We are not the same person that we once were either and perhaps who we are now is not compatible with who they are now. People either grow together or grow apart. Now that we are growing apart, we must discover, embrace and become who we will eventually be. We cannot grow apart if we are still attached physically, emotionally or mentally. There may be regret, anger, frustration, pain, sorrow, sadness, thoughts, feelings and emotions that are still connected to our former partner, and that is normal. Sharing children with someone can be especially difficult because we will see them, think about them and have feelings about them, either directly or via their relationship with the children. Detaching ourselves from the other parent is important and allowing them to develop their own relationship with the children is also important for everyone involved. We don't have to forgive our former partner, but we do need to accept them for who they are now. We also need to forgive ourselves for being human, being vulnerable and for what ever we have done to cause the relationship to change and end in divorce. Divorce is not the end of our story, it is the end of a chapter and we get to write the next chapters in our lives. Closing that chapter and moving forward in a new direction, of our choosing is a difficult, but eventually a very rewarding experience, but it will take time to heal and grow into something so much better for everyone. Being a role model to our children is important and teaching them to forgive themselves for past mistakes is a valuable lesson that they can learn from us.